Press Check: Warm 'n Fuzzy at Westword

Well, I must say that after my gig with the Salvation Army, I was starting to feel a little better about the state of the world. And then I passed a newspaper stand - and couldn’t believe my eyes. Despite my substantial efforts to spread cheer, joblessness is STILL on the rise, the economy is STILL suffering, and Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart STILL haven’t admitted they’re a couple!

Then an idea came to me: why not cut off all this bad news at the source? Why not make the NEWS more cheerful? So I stopped by Westword, hoping to inspire some heartwarming tales of merriment and togetherness.

What can I say? I’ve got a knack for this! By the time I left, I had everyone sporting elf hats and the sales staff whistling a jolly little tune. Stay tuned for Westword's next big issue, featuring the headline: "Everything in the Whole World Now Awesome." (I pitched them on it, and I think it went pretty well...)